Optimistically Fallen

If any of you think I'm an attention whore, bitch, self cenerted wahetrv stop reading now I don''t wanna hear it if it pisses you off Thats your problem I really honestly trulely dont care what you think of this If you reallly wanna talk about it message me don't comment. Thas not focusing on anyone i just dont wanna hear your pointless rants.

The past... I dunno how long really months atleast. I dunno what to think anymore It like I don't know who I am. Like I'm lost.. numb. And I don't know why..I don't know what triggered it or if it was anything at all. I wanna be myself I wanna break out of the shell ive put up ever sence i was like 7 but just cant seem to. I dont know who I am. I don't know if I ever truely did. I tried and tried to break out of the mold. I've alwayse been what others wanted me to parents included... ive never had a chance to just be me like I know I can but then agan who am I really? If i dont know how is anyone else sopposed to.

I dont know what I want from life I dont know where I want to be in a few yours. I dont know who I was in the past. I dont know anthing about myself and i just... I dunno all i know is ive always wanted to be loved cared about by hell just one person would do. I wish i ould just move far away from here start alver again try and fins ME under all the mess thats been creatd ontop of it from all these years. the nly thing I'd probaly turely mis is my job. I feel like im needed there.. like im making a difference like i'm helping in some little way hleping somone i dont know who. iits the only place i feel i belong.

ive tried speding time alone to try and figure out who i am and it juust.. dosent work it makes it worse it seems. ive ried being around people thinking hey maybe thisll break it but people never want me around long enough for me to find out. I just i dont know anymore. I dont know if i ever did. everything ive done is just to try and find mylsef under all this clutter but the clutter keeps buildung up i get closer to finding put who i am and BOOM a whole load of clutter ontop of me again.

I doubt anyone will competely understand this its not thhat im emo and 'oh woe is me no one understands me blah blah blah' its just i dunno how i put it into words i guess no ones ever take what i say the way it was ment to be taken. i know im horrible at words but maybe thats cause i dont know what to say. im terrified of making anyone mad upset anything other than happy. Ive always been terrified to speak my mind to say anything that would be a risk to do anything that would be a risk. i dunno its just...

yea.. i am horrible at this i swear .. i just..i dunno ive always been told what to do and thats it no chance to be creative no chances to be anything else no nothing i soppose thats partially my fault for being a pushover but i find it hard to believe anything bad about anyone.i just i dont know im lost numb. sure johanna found my name radnomly... hallie hollw. but its fits how ive been feeling. empty like a huge part of me is missing like it was never there in the first place. like im empty I have feelings im not saying im emotionleess its just a empty feeling thats been tugging and tugging at me for a while now and ive never been able to putit into words now im tring to. really truely ting to.

when i say i dont lie i mean it i try and treat people how i'd like to be treated lieing in my mind its the absoulte worse thing anyone can ever do to another person even just a little lie. they always grow.


i just dont know what to do anymore really why a i even here? whats my purpose? am i sopposd to be alone and emppty my whole life? am i ever going to find out who Halie really is? is anyone else ever going to stick around ong enough to even see it? have i just been fooling myself this whole time? I wish i knew I wish this wuld all just pass ovr and I cpould be happy with everyone else whos being happy so everything wwould be okay.

i miss the old times the times where we were just kids and nothing really atter everyone always got alng and if we'd argue in five seconds wed be best friends again when we were all carefree reality had'nt hit us yet we didnt knw the cruel twist of life and if somone told us we'd never believe them.

now reality just hits us ike a invisable wall or hell even a visable one in some of our cases we'd still run into it. thats humor laugh you know you want to.

i know i grew up too fast ive havent been immature and carefree sence elementry school really i knw reality hist us al hard at some point i just wish i knew who i was what path i want to take what to say to people when they just come by to say hi how to help epople when something bad happens.

i just wish i knew me. so i can be me. and never have to question my own thoughts again.



~~ Hallie


p.s. this is not for sympothy or attention or hell even to make people mad i just deside to writ how i feel down and hope smone somewher can can on tiny thing thta may help .

i have to go to work now mothers bitching i really wish shed learn to knock before she just storms in here .. parents eh? never respect privacy not even when youre showering...>.>

A lone opaque figure stands in the distance, snow falling from the dark night sky. The figure comes into focus a girl, short and slender. She smiles raising her head up to the stars. Foggy clouds forming with every breath she takes. Sighing, she pulls her arms around her for warmth; her jacket not quite doing its job. Her shortish ebony hair dappled with snowflakes. She laughs softly at a joke no one can hear as she walks further away from the brightly lit house.
A larger shadowy figure approaches her from behind. The figure sneaks up closer not noticed quietly it stops right behind her. The unknown person grabs her and lifts her into the air. The girl lets out a scream as the new comer laughs hysterically. Her piercing honey eyes glare backwards to meet the persons gaze. "PETERRRR!" The girl growls as he sets her down still laughing quite loudly. "You nearly scared me to death!" She fusses at her older brother, his black hair now covered in snow. Peter's dark eyes dance with amusement once she is facing him. "But KayKay... " he wines, the girl, Kaydenn, smirks "Oh youre gonna get it!" she snarls running at him. He laughs as he takes off towards the house.
Peter races inside stripping off his jacket scarf and gloves and tossing them aside, Kaydenn not far behind. "PETER WENTZ I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!" she yells at him grabbing some ice out of the freezer. Peter now upstairs in his room sitting behind the door trying to catch his breath. Kaydenn makes her way quietly up the stairs and stands at his door waiting. Peter puts his ear to the door listening for any sign that shes coming, none, he opens the door slowly and looks around. Kaydenn dumps two handfulls ofice doe the back of his shirt laughing evilly.
"Agghhh!" Peter screams jumping around trying to get the ice out of his shirt. They eventually fall to the floor. He smirks at his little sister basically a female version of him "oh well then i guess you can't come on tour with us next week..." he looks up to the ceiling. "WHAT?! YOU NEVER ASK ME TO COMMMEEE" she whines. "well you're coming this time." he smiles seeing her eyes dance with excitement.
"soo... when do we leave?" she asks containing herself. "This Friday 4 am." Her smile turns weak "four am? isn't that a bit early?" Peter watches her face change and laughs "not if you really want to come it isn't" "oh alright then" She smiles and runs to her room closing the door behind her. "and now it begins" Pete sighs and walks into his own room closing the door softly.
















Thats all I got... xD random story that imma try out i guess haha sence my so called friend that was writing the first chapter of it has avoided me for 2.5 months now >.> no sense waiting on her xD although that idea was hilarious lol Kaydenn waling into her brothers room to him and a girl in hjis bed.... xDD yea but i cant write what she wrote thatd be stealing. xD specially cause i guess she hates me? xD yea anyways enjoy!!

Yea... I have a cold and... art block >.< i wanted to est something worm and healty so i went fix me some soup... well it exploded ALOVER the microwave!! i had like 5 bits lft in the bowl.. >.< ugh so i cleand that up ate my five bits and had to fix something else cause were out of soup... so ow my meal is neither hot nor good for me..>.> shirmp pasta salad -.-' only thing we have cooked >.< rarr

Well I feel horrible... I gained 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks and ive been tring to loose. I'm not overweight I'm 5'3.5" and 130 pound susally but i really wanna loose the extra weight around my torso and upper arms... I used to be tiny and I miss that.

I gotta work tomorrow and I can't sleep... And I don't feel like drawing lining coloring playing games on wajas or anything... I dunno I'm just bleh. heh

I need a guy.. around holidays it gets lonlier than it usually is. I miss that. a guy being there for you no matter what somone to cuddle with whenits cold outside. merp...

I need to work on requests Trades and x-mas gifts but I'm just not in the mood to. blah I dunno. err

I gues I'll go work on new refs or somethin. Ciao

~~ Spazzy-Butt

While waiting for my Waja pups to be born I've been thinking up creative things and drew a pic I'm very proud of ^__^. I Hope lilhasu enjoys it as well xP I'msure she will everone likes giftart! haha yea anyways, I'mma sketch up some refs now and do that cause I need to heh. YES this is SIR SPAZ ALOT'S new journal cause i keep forgetting my usernames and passwords on here caue I never use it haha. Imma try to use this one more often haha Enjoy my loyut! haha I do. Thanks SOrjei for makig it into a layout for me!!

~~ Spazzy